I would like to think that I’m not alone in considering the title of this post when it comes to choosing the right kind of person to marry. I am a never-married single so most of the things I will highlight in this post are from talking to other singles both men and women. So I have come up with a few reasons why this fear seems to be raging war against our faith when it comes to the sacred search for a spouse. Some you may relate to, some you may not.
It is amazing to believe that God is preparing the right person for you and for me. However, there is always a reason why this blessing seems to have been delayed for a while, years even. But don’t be discouraged, we are in this together. There is a time and place for everything under the sun as the Preacher reminds us in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. So let's be patient.
Now being patient doesn’t mean you will cross your arm and do nothing! There are dreams that you still have as a single person to pursue, there are things in your character that are flawed and need correcting and the grace of God is able to strengthen you to do it with boldness and courage.
Here are some of the things that were common in my conversations with both men and women alike. Some of them are reasons I also had in the back of my head which sparked our desire to get it right the first time! Reasons for the fear:
1: Childhood Traumas: This is one of the reasons why some singles are afraid because of what they experienced as a child growing up. For me, I grew up seeing how women were just a number. They were not respected but were treated as commodities; something that was used and disposed of whenever they were done using them. The higher the number the greater the admiration amongst the group of men. On the other side, you have the men who also grew up seeing women disrespected, beaten, and taken advantage of and so they grew up thinking that they too would act like that as men, but is afraid of becoming that man they saw growing up. They’re afraid of repeating the same cycle they saw with their fathers, uncles, brothers, etc. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Childhood traumas affect every area of our adult life. It is not limited to relationships but can also affect our views regarding money, spirituality, work ethics, and the like.
2: Other Failed Relationships This can also be a fear for singles because sometimes all we see around us is the negative and sad reality of how making a bad choice in spouse can affect the lives of those who have made such choices.
You have men and women who lose their individuality with this person. They can no longer be their true selves. They are put down constantly, they forsake their extended families because their spouse has now become their idol. Women who treat the men in their lives as children, with no respect both behind closed doors and in public. They stay in these relationships because they felt they can’t do any better and they are afraid of being alone and starting over again.
3: Spiritual Incompatibility: The third reason for the fear is when we choose someone who is not drawing us closer to God. There are some relationships where we see someone so full of the Holy Spirit, used greatly by God but that person made the wrong choice with whom they marry. This goes for both men and women. It goes both ways, the women can take the men from the presence of God and the men can take the women from the presence of God. No one is exempt. As Christians, this is the most fundamental part of our walk. It is the most important decision we can make after giving our lives to Jesus one hundred percent. If we’re not seeking God’s direction or listening to wise counsel from those close to us then we’re also at risk of making the wrong choice which can bring fear to those watching it unfold.
We all would like to marry right. Choosing someone who will bring us closer to where we want to go and what we want our future to look like is the ultimate goal. Preparing ourselves spiritually, physically, mentally, financially, psychologically, and emotionally for the journey of marriage beforehand will save ourselves heartache and sorrow tomorrow.
Although the 3 things mentioned here are some reasons why some singles are afraid of marrying the wrong person. However, one would have to really find out where this fear is really coming from. Because “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear,..”(1 John 4:18)
I had the privileged of asking one of my male readers what he was expecting from his future marriage and he says living a happy life, being able to connect with his partner, pursuing their dreams together and individually, and having a family that will call them blessed. Breaking the generational curses that have been affecting his family from generation to generation. This is amazing. And this shows that when we focus on what we want for ourselves and how we want our lives to look like then the fear will no longer be a part of our decision making.
It will be coming from a place of faith, clarity, and peace from within to go forward. Because you would have been careful to make the necessary adjustments and changes from within to propel you to your destiny. Someone once says 'marry for where you want to go not for where you are' And I agree with this 100%. I would think heaven would be a part of that too, ultimately.
Until next time.
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