I’m glad you’re back but in case you’re a new visitor (welcome) and if you didn’t get the chance to read Part 1 already you can read it here. So without further ado, lets continue with the story.
The love I had for my friends turned to hatred. I grew up hearing the saying: There’s a thin line between love and hate and I had finally understood it because I felt it. It was a feeling I didn’t think I could have.
What hurt me the most was that they had said hurtful things to me after I had helped them in a time when they had no one else to help them. I shed tears when I saw how things were for them. My heart was broken for them. And because of that, I was very hurt. Deeply.
After a while, we lost touch with each other but I still couldn’t let go of this hurt I had inside of me. I simply could not. Anytime I heard their names, it was enough to bring such rage and anger inside my heart. I remember bumping into them at one time and I didn’t even stop. At the time maybe they wanted to reconcile with me. But I was not having it. I was hurt. And although they were right in front of me I still could not bring myself to even speak to them.
At that time, I simply believed in God. But having a true relationship with Him was something else. For me, it was all surface level. I would go to Church every Sunday, try not to swear or talk back to my guardians, don’t get in trouble, stay away from bad influences, etc. All the surface stuff.
It was not until years later that I realised how wrong I was in the eyes of God for not forgiving my friends. It was not until someone loved me enough to tell me the honest truth that if I say I really want to take God seriously I had to get rid of the grudges, the hatred, and unforgiveness that’s been harboring in my heart. Hidden and tucked away where no one could see. I mean who was I trying to deceive? God? Myself? Those around me? Myself and others maybe but not God. He said in His word:
“I, The Lord, searches the heart, I test the mind,...”
You can read the full verse in Jeremiah Chapter 17 verse 10 (NKJV). So whatever it was that I had been trying to hold on to God knew how dirty my heart was. And if I was to hold on to those feelings there was no way I would be able to get closer to God. God is perfect and If there’s anything that is not pleasing to Him inside of us. How can we build a relationship with Him? How can we truly experience peace from within? How can we boldly come to Him and ask Him to do something in our lives if we’re not obeying His every word He commands us to do?
We always hear. Do unto others as we would like others to do for us. The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear that would be good things, nice things. I mean do I have to forgive someone who hurt me and make me feel used? Who made me feel like I was taken for granted? God, you want me to do that for someone who doesn’t deserve it? You want me to pretend that nothing happened? You want me to wipe their slate clean? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! And Yes!
Hard to pill to swallow right? Yes! Following Jesus is not easy. It’s a daily choice we all have to make. I wanted to have a close relationship with Jesus and the only way forward was to let go. The process in which I did it was like this. I really hope I’m helping someone with this. I made a prayer to God and I’m telling you I cried tears when I was told I had to forgive. I knelt by my bedside and cried. My head ached from crying! But I knew it was something I had to do to be where I am today.
I was advised to write everything down on paper as in a letter. Write about everything. What they did. How they hurt me. How I felt. Everything. It was like a declutter of my heart on paper and when you write something down, you are able to think straight, you are able to say the truth because you are writing from the heart. There is something about a handwritten letter or note. An email or text cannot compare to it. So I wrote the letter and I tore it up in front of the Altar of my Church and left it there. It's as if I was leaving it at the foot of Jesus. Because I could not take it anymore.
I started to pray for them. For God to bless them wherever they are and slowly my heart started to melt. Because it was no longer my responsibility to judge them. I needed Him more than anything else. I needed His Spirit to help me, to guide me, to strengthen me. And that could not have happened had I not let go of that hurt. I literally gave my heart to Jesus that day because who else can heal it? Who else can mend it back together again? Who else?
Ever since that day, I had made a conscious decision that grudges will no longer be a part of me. I will not allow any negative feelings to stop me from experiencing the peace that surpasses all understanding from the inside out. Nothing can compare to it.
Now I don’t dwell on situations like this anymore. People will always disappoint us. No matter who they are or what title they may hold in society. They will let us down. We will let others down. Let’s not forget ourselves in the mix. Because at times we can be so quick to point the finger, but what happens when It’s us who’s asking for someone else’s forgiveness? We all make mistakes. And that is why we have to be willing to be compassionate with ourselves as well as with others. Some may not be struggling to forgive someone but is struggling to forgive themselves. Maybe that person is you reading this!
Stop it! Yes, Stop it right now! When I realise that I’ve messed up I always tell myself that I made the right decision at the time I was in that situation. I could not have done anything else. If I could have made a different choice I would have. I simply didn’t. Now what? Now you learn. You know better now. You are now wiser than before and you will make better choices going forward. Rest assured.
So there you have it. I always say, when we have a desire to please someone we are willing to do whatever it takes to make that person happy or to see that smile on their face. It’s no different with God. If we choose to make Him happy there are things that may be uncomfortable in the moment but afterward, we will realise that it had always been for our own benefit because we end up smiling too.
I will leave you with this verse which has been the basis of this two-part post:
“Yes, if you forgive others for the things they do wrong, then your Father in heaven will also forgive you for the things you do wrong. But if you don’t forgive the wrongs of others, then your Father in heaven will not forgive the wrong things you do.” Matthew Chapter 6 Verses 14-15 (ICB)
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Until next time.
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