A few days ago I decided to do 24 hours without any screen time and it has been very helpful for me. It forced me to face a moment in my past that I had overlooked when I just arrived in this country. But I will save the gory details for another post at some point in the future if it's meant to be.
Over the years I have been asked this question ‘How many children would you like to have?’ there are times when I would get so angry and say I don’t want to have any children. And the response I would get would be those bulging eyes staring back at me with a looong pause and a ‘Really?’ and I would say ‘Yes, I don’t want to have any children’.
Being a Christian single I thought I was committing the biggest discretion because I said I didn’t want to be a mother. There were times when I had to put my foot down and stood up for my reasons whatever they were at the time.
As I got older I realised that I would have to get to grips with this expectation especially when it comes to dating. After all some of us would like to get married, right? The question is guaranteed to come up at some point and so I went away and really thought about it. So I came up with the best response I could think of so I don’t get those looks anymore.
Do you want to know what my new response was? Drum roll… here goes. I would now say ‘If it happens, amen, if it doesn’t, amen’ I would be happy if I should find out that I was pregnant and I wouldn’t mind if it also didn’t happen. I would still be happy with either outcome.
Someone once told me never to have a child because my partner wants one. I should have one because I personally want that child too. In case anything happens down the road I may end up resenting the child because, in fact, I didn’t want him or her in the first place. Can you imagine parents saying that to their children these days? That they were a ‘mistake’ or ‘I didn’t want you anyway’ oh dear. I could never imagine myself in that situation but I get the logic behind it because it is real life.
Anyway, going back to the 24 hour screen time experiment I had all this time to think and reflect on certain experiences I’ve had in the past and one of those moments came to mind. It was this: Whenever I thought of my future I said to myself if I had a child I would give them this particular name and I would also choose the sex of the child I wanted because I realised that I would be able to manage that child better.
However, it was amazing to me when I remembered those conversations I had with myself back then how the conversations have suddenly changed to what they are now as I’ve mentioned above. And you know the funny thing is, I realised that for every choice we make in life will always be influenced by our past experience or lack thereof. I realised that I had changed my mind about having children because I had developed a negative connotation towards being a mother.
I would always bring up the past whenever I spoke of having children. Oh it was because of this, this and this when I was younger or it was Tom, Dick and Harry’s fault. Those 3 names always seem to get the short stick. However, I realised that it was time to let sleeping dogs lie and take a step into the future that I really want for my life.
So a few days ago, I felt a little broody. I mean I’m not saying I wanted to have a baby right now but I had this deep desire to care for something. I thought of getting a chihuahua dog. I always say if I had to choose it would have to be one of them, they’re so tiny and cute...I see a bit of me in them. I don't know if that's a good thing to say or not, but oh well.
I thought of getting a kitten. But then again if I should be committed to an animal I’m not sure how it would work out when this lockdown ends. Nor am I allowed to have animals in my flat anyway. So the next best thing I thought of was to get myself a baby something.
A baby plant. I didn’t want anything too big. If anything, I wanted it to grow with me. And so I decided to get myself a jade plant aka money plant. Are you getting my logic now? Low maintenance. Doesn’t need constant care. But is always there to bring life to me and my living room.
Actually there’s been research done to say that if you talk positively to your plants they will flourish even more? I mean, if plants with no feelings can flourish with positive words imagine that child, that spouse, that parent, that neighbour! The possibilities are endless. You know, I’m all about positivity. I’m not a fan of negative words. If someone is constantly negative no matter who they are I wouldn't want to be around them anyway.
On that note, Say hello to DayZee. (I took a picture of her in real life setting. As she literally arrived just before this post went went live.... You see always at the right time 😊) I had given it a name so she’s more personable. Since she will be my company for the time being. And no, I’m not going crazy. I’m simply prepared to be less self-absorbed and staying focused on my purpose in this life.
Until next time.
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