This post may be a little bit out there but I will be as honest as I possibly can with you. I’m very aware of what I write about on my blog and I do this because its something that has been in my heart to do for a very long time. It has only been recently where I’ve been seeing how amazing the love of God is and it's my desire to share it with you through my own experiences.
They say the best way to know something is to experience it yourself. No matter how much my words may be persuasive or inspiring until you experience something yourself you will not know for sure if its true or not. There are times when that step may be scary, yes and there are times that step maybe even exciting for some. But my desire for you is that you stay true to yourself and trust that small voice within you.
Sometimes when we look at someone we immediately have a perception of that person based on their appearance. But we will never know what that person is going through deep inside their souls. And I think this is why it is sometimes shocking when we see or hear of some celebrities for example who have taken their lives and no one could have guessed or seen it coming.
The story I will share with you is an overview of my testimony. It’s how I’ve come to experience Jesus in my life for the first time even though I’ve been going to church since I was a child.
I grew up in Jamaica for most of my childhood until I came to England at the age of 13. Prior to that my family members would take me to church with them whenever they would go. But being a tomboy at heart at the time I hated wearing those pretty dresses and bubbles in my hair, I couldn’t wait to get home and take it off and remove them from my hair. I wanted to be free.
With that in mind though, I would always have questions in my mind. I would admire the pastor and his family and how I would love my family to be that close and love each other. I would take everything that I was taught very seriously. I think at that point was when the fear of God started to be molded inside of me. I wanted to do the right thing.
But there were times when I didn’t do the right thing. I never thought I would be here in the UK so I always imagined myself back home wanting to start my own life and do whatever I wanted. Fast forward to the age of 15. My mother had me at 15 years old and at that age of my life, it was very significant for me. I started to put myself in her shoes and wondered what I would do if I had to have a baby at that age. That thought was scary.
And so along with the fear of God and not wanting to replicate the same mistakes my mother made, I made a vow to God. I told Him I will only be with someone unless that person was my husband. Maybe that was a bold move on my part or maybe it was out of fear of not wanting to be left alone with a baby to look after by myself. Who knows? But that’s what I said.
At this point, I was in college doing my thing, hanging out with friends, and doing what teenagers would do. I had gotten close to boys but I would always remember my vow. I never wanted to break it.
Fast forward to the age of 18. I had plans to go to university to improve myself and get a good job. But that never happened. At that point, I realised that I could not work or attend university because of my immigration status. My dreams were shattered at that point and I believe I was so stressed and anxious about the situation that I even developed eczema on various parts of my body. I didn’t realise this until I went to the doctor to complain about the itching in my back and on my legs.
It was a desperate situation. I was seeing my friends going on to university, moving to another city, driving, having boyfriends and girlfriends and there was me. Left behind. I was so sad. I did nothing for 2 years straight. Literally just sit at home and watch TV and did whatever I could to kill the boredom.
Until one day, I was so revolted with my situation. I was so determined that that year 2008 was going to be my year. I was so fed up. I had had enough of the routine, I wanted to better myself. I started saying to myself. If God brought me here to this country there was no way He would allow me to return home in shame. I didn’t ask to come here. So something has to be done.
I believe that was when God saw something within me that He could use to propel me to where He wanted me to be. You see, there are times when prayer is great. And there are times when we will have to put God against the wall and say to Him Your word says this and up until now I have not seen these words evident in my life. I want to see them. I can’t say I believe in a great God and my life is a mess, my situation is shameful.
Up until that point I had already gotten a letter to say I had 28 days to leave the country. And I would need to put everything in order. And because I had already said those words to God I already knew that He would have to do something. I remember I was so sad, I had called a friend and what they advised me was not going to be an option for me. So the only person I could really turn to was God!
It was the same time I was watching a TV programme and at that time as I’ve said before that was all I did. I would wake up late and I would go to bed late just to kill the time. And that programme gave me hope. I started to see that God was using that programme to help me believe again that He was going to do something but at the same, I had to show that I actually believed it would happen.
I listened to the programme for a while until I built up the courage to call in and asked for help. It’s one of the best decisions that I’ve made in my life so far and God has done so much for me since then.
The programme led me to a church that has helped me to develop a personal relationship with God because at the end of the day God wants to do great things in our lives but He also wants our hearts. He wants to set us free from whatever has been holding us back so that we can boldly say that Jesus has done this in my life when no one else could and He can do the same for you.
I arrived in the Church on Friday, March 21st, 2008 and I was delivered from everything that has been holding me back. I’ve learnt how important it is to be sincere and honest, I’ve learnt how to have a personal relationship with Jesus, I’ve learnt how to put my faith in action and not just say God will do something. I’ve learnt that forgiveness is not for the other person but it is to set my own soul free (I had been holding on to a lot of grudges in my heart).
The same year in August 2008 I got the news from my lawyer that I had my Indefinite leave to remain in the UK and in September I started university. I took a year out from University and worked so that I could apply for my citizenship.
My twenties I have spent in the presence of God so I didn’t make any wrong choices when it came to matters of the heart. I’m now in my early thirties and I’m confident that nothing that has happened to us is by coincidence. Our experiences prepare us for what lays ahead and it's up to us to find the lesson in each of them.
I hope my story has encouraged you in some way and I believe that there will be many more battles for us to overcome in all areas of our lives. I’ve experienced loss, I’ve experienced loneliness, I’ve experienced anxiety and I know how it feels not knowing what tomorrow may bring.
But one thing I know and certain of is this. God is not bound by time. And He knows what happened yesterday, today and tomorrow and If I have Him right here with me then what do I have to lose? What do I have to worry about? I’d rather be at peace and trust that He has my back. No matter what.
Until next time.
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